18.05.2023 Aberration

I am an aberration. But no more than everyone is. I just notice it a bit more. Stepping out of the regime of gender, sexual and existential difference will do that. I am unbelievably ecstatic and terrified about the prospect of my life. I know it is absurd. I know it is meaningless. I know it will be miserable. I know it will be beautiful. It will be all of these things and many more that I won’t be able to put into neat and tidy little words. How and for what do I want to write? Do I want to write to communicate a clear message to as many people as possible? Or do I want to write in a way that preserves/expresses as much of my essence as possible and therefore relegates clarity and coherency to an afterthought? Do I want to make my map understandable through my writing, and maybe offer a starting point for others, wherever they may be? Or do I want my writing to be a development of my map itself, not there to aid others directly, but only indirectly through the experience of it? Do I want to aid others at all, or do I “simply” want connection, aliveness? How much of a “classical” philosopher do I want to be? How much of a “Cioran” do I want to be? Neither, none, null: I want and will be me. That me might show some of the traits I have just described, but ultimately, it will be me. M. Should that be my name? Would be funny. But also significant. I like M—–, even though it has obvious masculine connotations, I still feel like it’s my name. I can find myself in “M—–”. But I can also find myself in “M”. And M is more open, less tied to the past. I don’t want to abandon my past, I know I never can. But I also just want to be. And my naked, raw, unbridled, visceral, apparent being is something that has the potential to dissolve, destroy, create. What would it be like having no name? I think just M is getting close to that. That might be a reason I find it interesting. I want to fall in love with failure. I want to succeed only in failing. I will fail, I already have. To be human is to fail and to be a failure. But it is also just to be human, failure is not all of it. But it is important to immerse oneself in. To live and have lived. To be and have been: Free: to cry, to scream, to vomit, to scrape and claw furiously and passionately at the very core and at the endless edges of our absurd existence. Just to have lived. Just to have loved all that a meaningless life is.)